It's been a long time.......

Yes... queue up that title from Cake....  but hey, took me a bit to actually get back in to this blog site.  Talk about nebulous... I could not even remember that it was "bonemanrants"... and hence, searching on and on for "bonemanrides" it proved a bit difficult.

That being said... I was able to track it down.

So... we're back... and immense changes since the last post nearly 5 years ago.  Instead of "up north" douchebags... I'm now dealing with "Flawda Cracker Q-tips" on the road... and actually, it's more the "Snowbird Q-tips" to be sure.  The dopes that cruise in the left lane doing 10 under the speed limit... that are oblivious to the folks that need to actually get somewhere during rush hour... Why?  Because somewhere in the back of their foggy brains, the know... perhaps even MILES ahead of time... that they will be turning left.

So, between them... and the dopes that INSIST on coming to a FULL STOP... in order to turn right into a parking lot... you would think the CENTER lane would be the lane of choice for efficient, expeditious travel? HAH!  That lane is filled with immense trucks... and the indecisive... that drift from center to left... to center to right.... at any given moment and for no apparent reason.

Mind you, none of the aforementioned is done whilst allowing others to know your intent but say... using a wonderful modern convenience called... THE TURN SIGNAL... it's on your steering column folks.... that long stalk on the LH side?  Some use it... yes.... they turn it on... and LEAVE it on.... usually indicating they are (again... sometime in the possibly distant future) will be turning LEFT.

Yeah, to say that at this point, I take and given signal, or dearth of same thereof, it's probably safer to just disbelieve the blinking light on the corner of the automobile.  It has made for some dubious moments riding the motorcycle around here.

So... stay tuned (if you're even still out there) folks... I'm sure that there will be MANY more observations posted pursuant to my migrating on a permanent basis.... to the "Yankee South" here in SW Flawda!

Lower than Whale Shit...

Yes... that's right.... what is the lowest substance on the planet after all? First and foremost, you'll see that I've identified myself as a "Luddite" on this blog. You can google it or whatever but here are a couple of "nutshell" definitions:

Any opponent of technological progress.

One of the 19th century English workmen who destroyed laborsaving machinery that they thought would cause unemployment .

That being said, perhaps I'm more a quasi-luddite as really, I only oppose technological progress when it's pointless. We'll have more on that in a later entry. Where am I going with all of this you may ponder? Simple really. The Internet to me is 5% useful information, 5% fun but only partly useful Social Networking and really.... it has become 90% commercialized tripe and vacuous blather. You're hopefully reading what might actually qualify as "useful" information.... albeit rather a chain of vituperative bloviation.

Now, where I live, in the Whisker Drooling Woods of Dingmans Ferry, PA, there is only ONE choice for broadband. One game in town. The only alternative being something insane such as satellite internet which is stupidly expensive. Of course, the other alternative... the monopoly company, pretty much charges whatever they want for their "Cable Modem" service. (Yes... it IS the local cable company after all.) $50 a month.

THE AFOREMENTIONED INTERNET IS NOT WORTH $600 PER YEAR.

Yes... that's right folks. I'm on dialup. You get the Luddite part now?

So... on to the the lower than Whale Shit part of this diatribe. What, praytell, might be lower than Whale Shit? SCUM SUCKING COMPUTER VIRUS AUTHORS. Yes... that's right you idiots. You think you're so cute and clever... you're all complete ASSHOLES. No... worse. You were not born into this world... your mother passed you through her anal sphincter and somehow farted at the same time and that... instilled you with some perverse form of the "breath of life". Really. What purpose on earth do you serve? Oh, I know. Because of your consummate douchebaggery we now have INDUSTRIES... yes entire companies devoted to combatting your idiocy.

So here's where it all ties in. I have McAfee. There's also Norton, Panda... etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum.... Every day. EVERY SINGLE DAMNABLE DAY... My AV software has to download "updates". Usually this is a minimum of TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND bytes of information. That's the minimum. Daily. Every day... I have to sit there and WAIT... whilst because of the actions of the lowest form of life on the planet (lower than Whale Shit, remember?) my bandwidth has the life sucked out of it. Is that not in part the definition of a Parasite? One thing that sucks the life out of another?

When I ponder the BILLIONS.... of dollars spent because of you morons, I wonder why your collective heads are not mounted atop the fence poles in front the offices of Microsoft, IBM, H.P. Compaq, Dell... whomever... Why you've not suspended from trees and had your abdomens slit open and your bowels slowly fed into a pot of boiling water as you scream in pain until dead. After all... that's what used to be done in days of old to such "Social" parasites as you.

And THAT... is being abominably merciful.....

Ignore The Human.....

Don't know what it is anymore.... but it seems every damn thing these days has a "computer".... and I swear... they are becoming self-aware and are endeavoring to DRIVE ME INSANE.

Yes... that's the game... IGNORE THE HUMAN. I'm sick to DEATH of waiting for my computer to "think".... that's right. It sits there at 2.1 ghz, or whatever damn speed it is... an insanely fast processor.... and it does? NOTHING. I click on something, ANYTHING and all I get a ROTATING HOURGLASS... for 10, 15, 20 seconds or more. I type something into a field using the keyboard... it.... does..... NOTHING. Not a DAMN THING.

It IGNORES THE HUMAN.

My damn computer at work... does the same thing. There are times when either of them just get what for all intents and purposes appears to be one of the biggest fucking brain farts imaginable. They simply.... STOP.

I don't get it... I have a dinosaur at work as well... a 60mhz machine that runs on DOS 6.1 that blows every last other machine I use... right out of the water....

It's not just the PC's mind you. My ever loving DirecTV receiver does the same shit. Point the remote at it, click "GUIDE"..... see the light on the front of the recevier "blink"... and ... that's right... you guessed it..... IT DOES NOTHING. NOT A DAMN THING.

OK... push "GUIDE" again... and finall, I get the "GUIDE". Punch in a number... "02" for example. Again... the light blinks... so I know it "heard" me. It then develops it's own brain fart. Yes... apparantly "02" was either A: Not expected or B: Far and away too complicated an instruction for it to follow.... So now I press "CANCEL"... "GUIDE".... "INFO"... any number of buttons to elicit SOME form of responce...

It commits suicide..... yes... it "winks out"... and RE-BOOTS itself.... So now I get to sit there and for the next 5 minutes watch it "LOADING DATA".....

It's simple really.... all I want is for these machines... MACHINES mind you... that I OWN... to DO WHAT I WANT THEM TOO WHEN I WANT THEM TO DO IT. I don't give a flying FUCK what my computer is doing or in the middle of... if I input ANYTHING into the keyboard it should STOP... and immediately give my input the UTMOST PRIORITY.....

But no.... I swear fucking computers are becoming like the Government.... they know far better what I want them to do than I do.

Seriously though... whoever it is at Dell that designed their keyboards.... My hat's off to them.... I slammed mine so hard last night that 7 keys literally popped off the fucking thing. Pick 'em up... stick 'em back on.... and it works just fine.

Why can't we get that guy to design the whole damn thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mewling Mollycoddled Milquetoast Miscreants

We've all laughingly heard the tales from our parents... or grandparents on how they would travel to get to school. Walking 5 miles, up hill... both directions... in rain, snow, sleet... whatever... carrying their books and their bucket of coal for the stove to keep the class warm. Yeah... we would hear those stories and chuckle up our sleeves a little bit even.... OK.. so here's MY story.

Back in 1973 during the first Arab Oil Embargo, gasoline went from 35 cents per gallon... to an ECONOMY CRIPPLING 50 cents per gallon. As a result of this, the school I was attending, Jefferson Township H.S. in Northern NJ severely truncated school bus routes. So instead of just walking up to the corner about 1/2 a block from my house, I would have to walk all the way up the entire length of Schwarz Boulevard on Prospect Point to get to the bus stop. A distance of exactly one mile.

Pursuant to the insanity that was the gas shortages, etc., President Richard Nixon signed into law the Emergency Daylight Saving Time Energy Conservation Act of 1973 that December. It went into effect on the 6th of January 1974. As a result, walking the one mile to the bus stop would now occur in the PITCH BLACK MORNING. Often times, it was 12 degrees... howling wind... and DARK. This is what life WAS then. You dealt with it. Yes, it certainly seemingly sucked but that's the way it was. Hell, it built character and made you ever so grateful to finally get on a warm bus... or back to a warm house in the afternoon. It's what you DID dammit as you HAD NO CHOICE. If you were lucky, it wasn't raining... or snowing or hailing or whatever. There was no shelter at the bus stop either. You stood there on the corner. Outside in whatever elements Mother Nature chose to foist upon you.

Flash forward to this year..... gasoline at $2.50 per gallon.... I drive to work of course... and I absolutel DREAD getting stuck behind any school buses these days. Why? THEY STOP AT EVERY DAMN DRIVEWAY. EVERY STINKING ONE. And what is at each of these stops? Why.... Mommy or Daddy in their big, ugly, stupid SUV or mini-van or whatever... engine idling away burning up that obscenely expensive gasoline... with the precious little snowflake(s) sitting in the back seat awaiting the arrival of the bus!!!!! THEY DROVE THEM... from the house to the end of the driveway even!!!!!! In some cases a distance of LESS THAN 50 FEET!!!!!

Absolutely... and utterly DESPICABLE, DEPLORABLE and REPREHENSIBLE!!!!!! These parents should have some sense BEATEN into them if necessary. Foisting upon this world a generation of consummately pampered WHINERS.

With any luck... and actually, with a good deal of certainty, I will be DEAD... when this generation of spoiled little brats sits down and tells their grandchildren... "Why, when I was YOUR age, we used to sit in mommy's mini van and play video games while we waited for the school bus...."

I CAN'T STAND IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Traffic Report? Howzabout a DOUCHEBAG report?????

Seriously.... I've pretty much structured my life... my total existence to AVOID traffic... as it tends to make me INSANE. What's even worse? DOUCHEBAGS. You know them. You've seen them. The IDIOTS that drive 10 to 15mph below the posted speed limit.

There have been a couple of note over the years. One... who I used to call "The Cimarron Man"... would drive his ancient and decrepit Cadillac Cimarron from The Dingmans Ferry Bridge to Newton NJ and never exceed 35mph... EXCEPT when he would get to a passing zone. Regularly would he have a train of in excess of 20 cars behind him by the time he got to Newton.

So here's what I want to hear on the radio: "This is Harold Krabbnabb in Chopper D and I'm over route 206 where there's a DOUCHBAG rolling along at 35mph in a 50mph zone. Y'all make sure to avoid the area or at least flip him the bird if you manage to pass...... as I can't get clearance to bomb him into oblivion from the F.A.A......

Yeah.. in a perfect world.....

Ubiquitous tautology.....

You've seen them... here... there.... everywhere... the orange bus... with the flashing red lights. Emblazoned on them: "SCHOOL STUDENTS".....

I can't stand it.... No... REALLY? Students that go to a SCHOOL?????

Even better.... at work... there are clearly delineated pathways for us to follow.... outlined in bright yellow borders 6" wide. Label? PEDESTRIAN WALKWAY...... WTF does that mean? Oh.. I get it... NO SKIPPING, HOPPING, CRAWLING, RUNNING....

Seriously..... does anyone pay attention to any of this??????

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!